Such is life

Quinn’s crunches... (by Suzanne)

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 11:30:13 -0700

Quinn sat up all on his own this morning...going from all fours to sitting! He's sat up before...but usually by leaning on something or pulling on something...but this time he did it all by himself using just his amazingly strong abs! Just wanted to share...

Papa, cheeseburger please.

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 13:23:29 -0700

We enjoyed another glorious day in San Francisco by taking a stroll to the Ferry Building along the Embarcadero. Grandma Joyce, Steve, Quinn and I couldn’t resist going outside for a nice long walk, stopping for lunch at Taylor’s and shopping around the local venues for some cute hats for Quinn.

Teething biscuits (by Suzanne)

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 13:18:35 -0700

Last night Quinn was teething a lot...so I remembered that Dr. Langston said the teething biscuit would be better when he was able to hold onto something for a long time...well, he's developed a strong grip... I opened the package to the barley teething biscuit and he grabbed and put it in his mouth. For the next half hour he gummed, sucked and desecrated it until it was just three chunks that gravity claimed. Fun! OH...one other thing...I always sign "done" after we're finished on the changing table and then put my hands up in the air to sign "up" and ask if he wants to get up. Last night, I signed, "done" and he smiled and put his arms up in the air!!! Coincidence? Maybe...but I'll keep deluding myself that he signed his first word until I have proof otherwise!

Day after Quinn’s 1st month birthday.

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 10:27:01 -0800

We had daddy duty last night as Quinn stayed over at our place. Suzanne also stayed the night, but was finally able to get a full night’s rest; she had been getting up every two to three hours to feed him for the last month. And I think we did a fine job with him; she had pumped enough reserve for us to feed him throughout the night. Please let me know if anyone discovers the baby snooze button. Quinn doesn’t seem to care if it’s 1:30 AM or 4 AM. He definitely insists when it is time to eat, and so far he continues to eat on the same two to three hour cycle. :-)

Maya rescued

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 21:51:35 -0800

We rescued this adorable little German Shepherd pup from an unhappy place. She was only around three months old, and already appeared terribly afraid of people. My parents alerted her to us, and we immediately decided to take her back home with us to find her another home. We named her Maya; the shape of her ears reminded me of the letter ‘Y’, and Maya just seemed a natural fit. At first we contemplated keeping her along with Riley, but our living arrangement made it difficult to take care of a puppy with an uncontrollable bladder. Let’s just say that the Costco-sized rolls of paper towels were coming in quite handy, but a bit too regularly. She has instead found a wonderful home with the Cogers down in Simi Valley, CA. She is apparently doing great, and loves playing with her new canine brothers and sisters. Although most would say she is full German Shepherd, I am convinced she is part kangaroo--with those adorable floppy ears--and part racoon with the witch’s peak and dark ring around her eyes.

Happy Birthday, Quinn.

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 09:20:17 -0800

Quinn Adam Pullen--born today at 9:20 AM--weighed 8 lb. and measured 20 1/2” long. Both he and momma are well.

Quinn takes to the bottle like a champ.

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 20:20:05 -0800

Ever since Quinn was born, Suzanne had been breast feeding him. She has since begun using the breast pump in order to come up with a reserve for feeding--particularly for the periods when Quinn will be staying with just his daddys. We are happy to announce that Quinn started to feed from a bottle with ease this evening.

Bean update - 30 weeks (by Suzanne P.)

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 17:35:42 -0700

Hi Bean Tribe -- I'm back from my trip to New Orleans...it was interesting, to say the least. Experiences ranging from the deliciously satisfying (the long awaited for Beignets from Cafe DuMonde) to the disgusting (the horrific bathrooms at Cafe DuMonde) to the enlightening (psychic reading with Miss Sallie -- she was worth the trip to the upper 9th Ward) to the unimaginably depressing (driving through the lower 9th Ward). For those of you who don't know, the purpose of my trip was to meet with Dr. Collins to participate in a study he is doing on subsequent pregnancies of women who have had a stillbirth. He does a comprehensive ultrasound and fetal monitoring and then teaches patients how to use home fetal monitoring equipment to monitor the baby's heartrate for a half an hour each night. The readouts are then sent to him via the internet and he is able to see if the baby is in any distress. Last week, just a couple of days before I left for New Orleans, I had a last minute non-stress test because a regular rhythmic motion in belly that I had for five or six days in a row finally freaked me out. The general consensus was he was hiccuping...which I have been told is normal. But for some reason I didn't think it was hiccuping and I had this vision that he his spasming and hitting my uterus because he wasn't getting enough blood flow or oxygen... The results of the non-stress were all positive, the doctor and nurse both said, and he looked great. So when I saw Dr. Collins just a few days later, I got news that I wasn't expecting. After a 1/2 hour of fetal monitoring and a color flow doppler ultrasound on the Bean, Dr. Collins found that his cord was wrapped around his neck 1 1/2 times. He was in the breech position (head up) and so there was plenty of slack so the heart rate decelerations (due to cord compressions) he found on the fetal monitor were minor. He asked me if he had been hiccuping, so I told him the story. He says that hiccuping is normal, but repeated or continuous episodes, in his opinion, indicate cord compression. The hiccuping is the baby's way of trying to get more blood flow. When I asked if the nuchal cord (that's what they call it when it is wrapped around the neck) was something to worry about, he said it was definitely something to watch, especially once the Bean moves into the head down position in the next week or so. Either he would flip and work his way out of the nuchal cord or he'll flip and roll into it, possibly adding another loop, and the slack that was currently in the cord would probably tighten. The monitoring I do at home every night for 1/2 hour with the equipment he gave me will continue to pick up any of the minor heart rate decelerations (caused by cord compressions) he found and if they get stronger or longer or if there are any drops below a certain point or above a certain point. The readouts get sent to his blackberry and he'll email my doctor and call me if there is cause for concern. I had a day of anxiety and a bit of panic...but I calmed down pretty quickly, knowing that every night I'd be doing the monitoring at home, so if there are any issues, we could catch them early enough to act. (Bed rest, induction, c-section...) Another surprise came on the plane ride home on Monday. I was extremely uncomfortable for several hours and then felt the most intense shifting and poking and moving from the Bean. Dr. Collins said that might happen when he moved head down and I wondered if that was what he was doing. On Tuesday, I saw my OB, Dr. Fang, for a check up and she said she could feel his head and thinks it he had moved into a head down or vertex position. She referred me for a ultrasound at CPMC and on Wednesday, I got a good look at the Bean. A 3-D look at him. Amazing. Cheeks, nose, eyes, chin...he no longer looks like an alien...he looks like a real baby with real features. I've attached a couple...it may take you a minute to make out the details, but they are both of his face. Personally, I think he's adorable. Phyllis, the nurse technician was great. She took lots of other images and gave me lots of points for being able to pick out all of the things I was seeing on the regular ultrasound. She gave me big bonus points because I spotted his boy parts before she told me what they were. Neither Rachel, my Australian friend who came with me, nor Kevin, the medical student, were able to figure it out. Phyllis said that in all her years, she has never had anyone point them out before she did -- including all the men. Then she printed out a picture for me. Poor kid. The Bean has no idea what kind of blackmail I have on him -- before he's even born. We four were laughing up a storm and enjoying watching the Bean open his eyes, smack his lips and stretch-kick my uterus, all the while having one foot pressed up against his head. He's either doing yoga or practicing some prenatal martial arts. Either way he is still kicking up a storm and making his mother delightedly uncomfortable. When Dr. Ott walked in, the mood in the room changed. It got very quiet and very focused. Phyllis had left, leaving Kevin to watch over the doctor's shoulder while he pointed out the Bean's heart (looked great), kidneys (ditto) and brain (ditto). Then Dr. Ott turned on the color flow doppler and confirmed that the Bean had turned down and further into his cord. (I attached a picture) He said he could see the double nuchal loop, but that it looked like there was a lot of amniotic fluid, which allows him to move around. He said they would continue to monitor it and I told him about Dr. Collins and the study. We had a brief conversation about what it meant in the long run, or possibly the short run, but the long and short of it is we are in a wait and see mode. He looks great right now at 3 pounds 10 ounces (average is about 3lbs) and doesn't appear to be in any distress. He added that there was a slim chance he could work himself out of the nuchal cord, but if he didn't, my regular OB and I would have to make a decision about having a c-section. He said I could try for a regular delivery if everything looked good, but with my history, there would be very leeway allowed if the Bean looked at all like he was in distress. When I got home after the appointment last night, I hooked up the monitor and sent my first strip to Dr. Collins and in the morning told him about Dr. Ott's findings. Dr. Collins said that there were no deceleartions or indications of compressions in the strip. His heart rate was about 120 for most of the reading which was a bit low (he's usually between 130 and 150) but when I told Dr. C that I had fallen asleep about 10 minutes into it, he laughed and said that probably explained it...when my heart rate goes down so does the Bean's. So with the nightly monitoring (which will pick up his patterns and any changes), the weekly non-stress tests and the ultrasounds, the Bean is being closely watched so if anything changes, there will be plenty of time to figure out what to do. Dr. Collins has said that most of the women in his study (20 of 25 have had repeat cord issues) have delivered by 36 weeks in order to avoid any complications brought on by early labor, cramped quarters in the last weeks or continued stress on the baby. So far he looks great. So I'm taking it one day at a time and seeing what the next few weeks bring and I'll let you know. Am I nervous or worried? A part of me is, of course. But I keep remembering the voice I heard in my head all those months ago. "Just trust me, Mama." And I do. And I'm also grateful for the modern technology that allows me a window into his world to inform that parts of me that can't help but stay on vigilant watch. Thanks for reading. I hope to see you locals at the Bean's shower on Sunday Nov. 12. The invites are going out next week... so please GIVE ME YOUR SNAIL MAIL ADDRESS IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY! Hope you are all doing well -- I hope these dispatches don't seem too one sided...I really do want to know what is happening in your universe, so please let me know what's going on. And if for some reason I haven't answered an email you sent, I apologize. Please know I read and treasure them all. And someday, so will the Bean. With a smile and a dose of patience, Suzanne

Baby Bean update... (by Suzanne P.)

Fri, 1 Sep 2006 17:27:50 -0700

Hi all- I hope the last of the summer days are treating you well. And I hope I'm not boring you with these emails on the bean's progress...so don't feel like you need to read on if you'd rather watch paint dry (a little more on that later in the email)... Drissana came with me to my 23-week check up today with Dr. Wiggins. I told the nurse in advance that I was a bit anxious because I was coming up on the gestational date of my previous loss and could she put me in the room with the ultrasound just in case. She said sure and immediately I felt like they were going to accommodate anything I might want to ask for. After a few minutes, Dr. Wiggins came in and I told her that I was doing well...except I was kind of tiring out easily. Told her the bean was moving a lot, but very different than Avery...I feel like he's using my internal organs as athletic gear. Sometimes I swear he's using my cervix as a trampoline. She said it was most likely because of how he was positioned and she didn't think there was anything to worry about. She pulled out the doppler and immediately we heard the bean's "wow wow wow wow wow" heartbeat interrupted only by his high leg kick right into the receiver. She said she could do a quick look on the ultrasound if I wanted, and I said yes. She turned off the light and Drissana moved around to see the screen. I told Dr. Wiggins (and I'm sure she didn't need to be told) that I was a bit nervous because this was when I had noticed that Avery had stopped moving around. Not the bean, he was dancing away! Still using my placenta as a pillow, tucking himself behind it every now and then...and then twisting and turning to show us his legs and butt and dangly bits. Dr. Wiggins said, "Oh, this one has a personality." He sucked on his thumb for a little bit and then did what seemed like a summersault before stretching out again. Only a little of which I actually felt, which means he must be using a pogo stick when I feel his jabs and head butts. She turned off the ultrasound and just as I was about to ask another question, she put her hand on my belly and said, "Just because you love this baby, doesn't mean you will love Avery any less. With my second, I thought there was no way I could love him and my first son both. But you do." Drissana and I both teared up at her words and I thanked her for saying them. When the lights came back on, we could see Dr. Wiggins had shed a few tears of her own. That's the second beautiful gift Dr. Wiggins gave me...and I am truly grateful. So far, so good. One week left before my body, mind and spirit are in unknown territory... After having blood drawn for some routine tests, including gestational diabetes and anemia, Drissana and I stopped by the hospital to check on the gift bags several of the SAND moms and I put together for women are checked in with a stillbirth. Only 4 of the 9 bags we delivered on Mother's Day were left. But Erica knitted more premmie hats, Mark and Gabby gave me more disposable cameras and I bought a bunch more bags to put them in. I'll pack them up and drop them off when I'm at my support group meeting next week. In other news, my old roommate Tina moved the last of her stuff out tonight and the rooms I want to move into are a mess...definitely need to be deep cleaned and painted....a good project for me (I'm trying to get help for the painting, because it isn't a good idea for the bean to be exposed to paint really) in the next week before my new roommate, Kai, moves in. Oh...and does anyone have friends in the New Orleans or Baton Rouge area? I'm flying there for a long weekend to see Dr. Collins, who I interviewed for my stillbirth story. He monitors the subsequent pregnancies of women who have had a stillbirth free of charge. He has done a lot of research, particularly about cord accidents. I am going to see him to learn about the pregnancy monitoring work he does - not only for me to use at home, but for a follow up story I am writing as well. Dr. Collins does an initial extensive ultrasound exam, paying close attention to the cord and placenta and also gets a baseline reading from the baby. Then he teaches you how to use a home fetal monitor that sends info long distance directly to his blackberry and if he sees any suspicious readings he notifies you and your doctor. I am waiting to see if the paper will pay for the trip, but if they don't, I am trying to see if there is anyone who might be able to put me up, and possibly a traveling companion, for a couple of days. I haven't bought my tickets yet, but the plan is to go Oct 12-Oct 15. Okay...I think that's it...except to send love to Renita's new addition to the family, Renita (Renni) Elise Livingston, born last month...all are doing well... Now I think that is it. With love and appreciation, Suzanne

Suzanne says, “It’s a... (by Suzanne P.)

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 17:17:20 -0700

...Boy!" I had my 20 week-ultrasound yesterday and everything checked out great. Dr. Callen, the same radiologist that did Avery's mid-term ultrasound, said the placenta and cord looked good and he saw nothing to be worried about. Everything looked healthy and normal. Boy bean weighs 14 ounces -- the average at this gestation is 10.5 -- so if he keeps growing at this rate, he's going to be a big one.... Anna came with me. She called shotgun on this appointment the minute she knew I was pregnant. Apparently the women is obsessed with sex...I mean gender...she had to be the first one to know what equipment the bean was packing. For the record the boy predictors included: Jen, Trish, Steve, Renita's mom and husband, Koop and I'm sure a few others I don't remember, and a few others who will claim they knew post-facto. The girl predictors included: Me (in the beginning I was sure it was a girl, but for the last couple of months I kept saying "he" when I referred to the bean and wrote it off as habit from referring to Avery); My mom (she even did the old ring trick over my belly and it kept spinning in circles which she interpreted as meaning girl...but in a list of old wives tales I saw the other day, circles mean boy and back and forth means girl...so she was getting the right message even though she didn't realize it); Suzanne Herel (although she had a dream that I told her it was a boy and she was disappointed because she wanted it to be a girl), Heather Smith (although she had a dream that I had a girl I tried to name it Marvin) and assorted other folks I can't remember... The boy bean was kind of shy. He kept hiding his face behind the placenta, which actually looked like he was snuggling his head in a fluffy pillow. Dr. Callen and Julie, the technician who did the first round of ultrasounds, were both great. Due to hospital policy they don't usually tell patients about any problems they see (you have to find out from your OB), but I had talked to my OB (who coinkidinkly is Dr. Callen's wife) and got her to call ahead to say it was okay for him to tell me anything he might see of concern. Everything looked good, from the blood flow between the cord and the placenta which we saw with a color flow doppler, to the strong beating of his heart. His heart. And it is still beating. Phew. Right now he is kicking my bladder, or something that feels full, pretty hard. I feel him move around more and more everyday. And that in itself is almost as reassuring as seeing him moving around on that screen. All the appointments have gone well. Jason and Steve have both come to a check-up with me in the last couple of months and heard the bean's heartbeat. Stas and Trish have both gone maternity clothes shopping with me, because I no longer fit into the majority of my pants. Trish gave me a carload of baby supplies, toys and clothes (which were for a boy, so that works out great...not that I wouldn't have dressed the bean in overalls and blue had it been a girl...) I've reached the halfway mark...the bean's due date is December 28. And in one month, I'll reach the point in my gestation where I lost Avery. Most of my days at this point are positive, but every now and then a cloud of worry floats over my thoughts. So I take a deep breath and take the next baby step forward. I think that's all I've got for right now...except the poem I below...I wrote one called "Something New" when I was pregnant with Avery, which some of you may have read. I wrote this one a few weeks ago and just thought I'd share it. Thank you all for your support and for reading this missive. It means a lot to me to know that the Bean is surrounded by such amazing people. Thanks! Suzanne SOMETHING NEW -- Part Two Words coming slow not knowing how to be born An eternity of loss before this pen could even begin to touch this paper Waiting for confidence to grow past the worry and doubt of what was the last time instead of what is and can be this time Again making life This time an active determined choice In spite of the unforgiving mystery that took my first blessing much too soon Now creating an even bigger miracle working under the scene growing stretching moving Giving me the gift of trust to cling to in an uncertain sea of panic Some days my grip loosens and my head dips below the surface and my mind begins to pound with "what if's" And air escapes my nose in a tumble of "Don't want this too much" "Don't get too comfortable" "Don't believe your wish will come true, or when his heart stops beating yours will break all over again." And just as the spasm of depravation spreads stining panic into my lungs And my body sinks deeper into an untamable scream I feel a tiny hand the size of a baby starfish tickle my belly And a small voice murmur "Just trust me, Mama." And a wave of faith begins to undulate my fear to rest And my body eases to the surface And the sun kisses the top of my hair And my face breaks the water's skin And my lungs fill with life And I let myself believe in him In the possibility that is expanding with each day inside my womb He is spreading his hands and kicking his feet and turning his body And he is giving me these words to guide my synapses to spark my wonder and describe these sensations and taste this beauty and shape this color of my need This life growing inside me has a vocabulary all his own Filled with phrases he learned from his brother He is spelling out hope with his fingers and skin and eyes and limbs and organs Knitting their lives together My body is creating the second greatest poem I will ever write With all the words I just learned to say were theirs S.

Neck-ache mystery solved

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 14:06:41 -0800

We no longer wonder why Riley constantly complained of a neck ache.